Get Married – The Asian Way?

cuffs.jpgAssalamu-Alaykum (Peace be Upon you)

So you want to get married?

Are you sure?

Have you thought about it?

Are you up for it?

Have you told your parents?

Are they ’sorting’ it out?

This last question may confuse a couple of people. After all, why would parents ’sort’ it out? They’re not the ones getting married – you are…..

…..Aren’t you?

Most people will have heard of arranged marriages. Indeed, lots and lots of people have had arranged marriages and statistically they are proven to be more successful than ‘love’ marriages – not to say that love marriages are wrong – oh no!

Arranged marriages in Britain, however, are predominant in Asian culture and are relatively rare within English people. It seem that we have come a long way from the Pride and Prejudice days!

So what exactly is an arranged marriage?

Well, to my feeble understanding (!) an arranged marriage is where the parents of the boy and girl mutually agree to let the two meet. And if, after their meeting, the boy decides that he has found the woman of his dreams and the girl thinks that she will be able to tolerate this guy for the rest of her life (!), i.e. the boy and girl give their consent without any outside influence, then, with the blessing of the parents, the couple fulfil half of their Islam and get married.

Now wasn’t that easy!

So when is it ever difficult?

Well, in my opinion, the difficulties arise when the word ‘arranged’ becomes entangled with the word ‘forced’ (now you can see why I emboldened the words in the paragraph above!).

There are many factors as to why people are forced to marry and so I will not go into them here. But please, remember that if you are the one on who the spotlight is shining, then please, think about your happiness as well as others. You’ll be surprised how many people think that if their parents are happy then they will be too, only to find out that the person sleeping next to them is zero rather than hero.

And remember the four criteria set by our great Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) – beauty, wealth, lineage and piety. If you follow this, and ask Allah to do the rest, then insha-Allah (with the Will of Allah), you will have the man/woman of your dreams.

So don’t marry the Asian way, marry the Islamic way!

And Allah knows best.


For a reminder on the 4 criteria, please see the post entitled, ‘The Spectacle of Love‘.

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19 Responses to “Get Married – The Asian Way?”

  1. It couldnt have been put any better marry the Islamic way NOT the Asian way.Its just a shame the Asian Mentality of marriage has become Islamically correct to many :-(

    BTW yipee im the 1st to post lol,ill begin to make a habit of it from here on in :-)

  2. Masha-allah nice article, though one flaw, the hadith states (to the nearest meaning) ” a woman is
    married for 4 reasons, her beauty, wealth, lineage and piety and i say that marry a woman for her piety”
    Correct me if i misunderstood.

  3. Unfortunately Yasmin that is true, we seem to have mixed up the traditions of culture with the simplicities of religion and then called the whole thing religion – what gets me most though, is how you are frowned upon by the community when you point this out!
    Jazakallah for your comment, keep it up!!

  4. Jazakallah for your comment Abu Maryum (do I know u?!)
    I think that you are right in your correction. Do you think more posts are needed on this subject?

  5. Sid! you asking the wrong person.
    A blind man cannot guide!

  6. Ah, but where the blind fail in sight, they do not in the other senses!

  7. Wedding of faatimah radhiyallahu anhaa
    Fãtimah radhiyallahu anhã is the youngest daughter of our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Out of all the children, she was the most beloved to him. He said, “The queen of the ladies in Jannah is Fãtimah.” He also said, “Fãtimah is part of my body. Whoever grieves her, grieves me.”

    When Fãtimah radhiyallahu anhã reached the age of fifteen, proposals for her marriage began to come from high and responsible families. But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam remained irresponsive.

    Ali radhiyallahu anhu, who was 21 at the time, says: It occurred to me that I should go and make a formal proposal, but then I thought, “How could this be accomplished, for I possess nothing.” At last, encouraged by the Prophet’s kindness, I went to him and expressed my intention to marry Fãtimah radhiyallahu anhã. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam was extremely pleased and asked, “Ali! Do you possess anything to give her in mahr?” I replied, “Apart from a horse and an armour I possess nothing.”

    The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said, “A soldier must, of course, have his horse. Go and sell away your armour.”

    So, Ali radhiyallahu anhu went and sold his armour to Uthmãn radhiyallahu anhu for 480 Dirham and presented it to Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Bilãl radhiyallahu anhu was ordered by the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam to bring some perfume and a few other things and Anas radhiyallahu anhu was sent to call Abu Bakr, Uthmãn, Talhah, Zubayr with some companions from the Ansãr radhiyallahu anhum.

    When these men arrived and had taken their seats, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam recited the khutbah (sermon) of nikãh and gave Fãtimah radhiyallahu anhã in marriage to Ali radhiyallahu anhu. He announced, “Bear you all witness that I have given my daughter Fãtimah in marriage to Ali for 400 mithqãl of silver and Ali has accepted.” He then raised his head and made du‘ã saying, “O Allah, create love and harmony between these two. Bless them and bestow upon them good children.” After the nikãh, dates were distributed.

    When the time came for Fãtimah radhiyallahu anhã to go to Ali’s radhiyallahu anhu house, she was sent without any clamour, hue and cry accompanied by Umme Ayman radhiyallahu anhã. After the ‘Eeshã Salãt, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam went to their house, took permission and entered. He asked for a basin of water, put his blessed hands into it and sprinkled it on both Ali radhiyallahu anhu and Fãtimah radhiyallahu anhã and made du‘ã for them.

    The sovereign of both worlds gave his beloved daughter a silver bracelet, two Yemeni sheets, four mattresses, one blanket, one pillow, one cup, one hand-grinding mill, one bedstead, a small water skin and a leather pitcher.

    In this simple fashion, the wedding of the daughter of the leader of both the worlds was solemnized. In following this Sunnah method, a wedding becomes very simple and easy to fulfill.

  8. Pardon me, for posting such a large article above. I have absolutely no intention of hijacking your site, though i write, comment & make suggestions upon your cordial invitation for which i am greatful.
    Although the article is not my work (from idauk), i felt that for those who read the blog and take heed from the various beautiful & authentic advice would find the above very benefical especially if they are still to experience the important and vital sunnah of marriage.

  9. Abu Maryum
    Like I said before, your comments are more than welcome, and jazakallah for the long post, may Allah bless us all with the Taufiq of Amal and may He bless you with deeper knowledge. Ameen.

  10. yes but is a wedding like the one abu maryam mentioned possible for us?

  11. Well I think it’s really a question of what the intention of the couple is and how firm they are upon it. We live in a world where they have started to build spacecraft which will carry people into space just for a leisure trip, so I think that anything’s possible – what is needed is a firm heart and the right intention.
    However, I know what you mean Lyra in the sense that today the culture is different, and we have many more amenities at our disposal. Just be true to yourself and keep asking Allah and you never know, you could have the 21st century version of it!

  12. Salams, after reading the above blogs, such a wedding is possible as i myself have just gone through the process.
    I was introduced to my fiance by my parents. Alhumdulillah after meeting her and doing istikarah we both agreed to get married, IA this will be later on this year.
    So as Sid says it is upon your intention and simply ask Allah for his help and guidance.

  13. Masha-Allah that is good to hear T.
    Another example of a happy couple through an arranged marriage (not forced!). May Allah keep both of you happy and may He bless your marriage with abundance of love and tranquility.
    Just out of interest, is the marriage gonna be big?

  14. The wedding itself is small but most of my friends and family are invited to the walimah therefore that will be a big do.

  15. Masha-Allah that is good news, insha-Allah the bigger the Walimah, the more Barakah (blessings, abundance) there will be in the marriage – may Allah keep both of u and your families happy. Ameen.

  16. Funny how the comments flood in when the topic is marriage!
    For what its worth, I find the word “arranged” due to its historical usage on this topic draws with it connotations of “forced”. If we analyse how the set up really is, it seems that couples are “introduced” leaving it open upon themselves to take the plunge and I can’t really understand where “arranged” comes in to things and why we continue to use this word to describe the set-up???

    Sid, where you talk about the four criteria, traditionally parents (not all) have been obsessed with two of these when searching for a partner for their child – wealth (he owns 23 petrol stations or is a doctor etc) and lineage (the lass/lads family are sound because her/his grandfather came from the same village back in India where he was the sultan of …). Needless to say its all good.

    Sid, continue to enlighten us all…

  17. Ibn Abdullah! I hope u and your family r well insha-Allah (with the Will of Allah)!
    Indeed, particularly in this country, with prospective partners knowing exactly what they want, it may be sensible to change the terminology (would that then make the parents ‘introducers’?!)
    I also think that the piety principle is more adhered to, especially in the older generation, but I definitely agree with your comment that the other two factors are given more precedence.
    Jazakallah for your comment.

  18. Sid, you comment that “the piety principle is more adhered to, especially in the older generation”, what piety principle is that which you refer to – the one that states that a Guji is more pious in the eyes of a Guji, a Mirpuri is more pious in the eyes of a Mirpuri and a Bangladeshi is more pious in the eyes of a Bangladeshi???

    It’s easy for the likes of me to sit in the comfort of my chair, look back and criticise the principles adopted by our grandparents and parents, but the time will come when inshaAllah all of us will be parents looking for a partner for our child; which path shall we adopt then, the Asian way or the Islamic way? Our actions should speak as loud as our words.

    May Allah guide us.

  19. Absolutely Ibn Abdullah, I agree with u 100% especially when our dear Prophet (PBUH) himself broke down all the barriers of colour, race and nationality.
    Truly hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we can use it to set the new standards in our life so that the whole world can see that we do indeed follow the Islamic way.
    May Allah guide us. Ameen.

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